Coached by the Devil: A Night in the Party Scene

Dear Student,

I love how you’re out all night, partying, drinking, smoking, laughing, and enjoying yourself. This night is never going to end—look, it’s only 10 p.m. The night is still young. Don’t you love how you feel right now, Student? Nothing seems to matter. Why don’t you go back outside and smoke another cigarette; then, when you go back inside, have another drink. Maybe have a mixed drink or a shot this time instead of a beer.

Now that you are buzzed and feeling great, maybe it’s time to smoke some Weed. There is nothing better than being a little drunk and then smoking some Weed. The laughs are insanely fun—the combination will put you on another level of happiness. Don’t forget that you have a whole pack of cigarettes as well.

Don’t you love chain-smoking cigarettes when you are partying like this? They also bring their own unique head change to the night. Each and every time you go out to smoke one, you’re enlightened. Cigarettes are great for nights like this. They add so much more to the experience.

Soon, it will be midnight. It’s still early, so don’t worry, Student. You can shut it down around two in the morning. You can start drinking water in the next hour or so. But don’t you want to go further and feel better? Why don’t you go out and have another cigarette and then rally the troops to smoke Weed again? I’m sure they will all think it’s a good idea. Another shot sounds good also, doesn’t it? You don’t seem to be that drunk, so maybe another shot will make you feel even better. In fact, why don’t you just go take another shot right now while you’re thinking about it?

Now it’s two in the morning. It’s late . . . but not that late. You don’t do this very often, so it’s okay. At three in the morning, you can start drinking water and looking for a ride home. You don’t want this night to end, do you? It has to end sometime. Tomorrow’s going to be rough. How are you going to get through it? Actually, don’t worry about it, what’s done is done. You can worry about tomorrow . . . tomorrow. Why don’t you have a few more beers? Just have two more beers and then shut it down at 3 a.m. and start drinking water.

Oh wow! How did it get to be 4 a.m., and how are you going to get home? Why did you do this? Student, forget tomorrow; the entire next week is going to be rough. Why can’t you just quit doing this? Aren’t you tired of living this on-and-off lifestyle where you’re happy one minute and sad the next? What are you going to do about tomorrow? How are you going to make it through? You are going to be so depressed and down. Why can’t you just be normal? Don’t you hate drinking and partying like this? It’s comical to see you keep relapsing. Go ahead and tell yourself that you are never doing this again, like you’ve done so many times in the past. I get it—you hate Alcohol, and it makes you feel horrible—so why do you keep doing it?

So now, what’s your plan to deal with today’s depression and pounding headache? What can you take to make your headache go away? Oh, I know what you can take: my friend Opiate.

Your Fake Friend,

The Devil