Dear student,
We judge ourselves by our intentions, but others judge us by our actions. By walking the path on the world’s side with all of its pleasure, lying, and manipulation, you lose the TRUST of others. To once have been competent, to now playing the game on the first level of recovery, is hard. The shame in your mind is only the shame in your mind, student. Those who are on your team are in your corner; they just want you to get better so that they can TRUST you once more. Some level of RESPECT is still there, but RESPECT must be earned, as you know all too well.
You can get resentful all you want, but you did this to yourself. It won’t be all bad unless you make it all bad by continuing to chase the euphoric reward that cannot last. Get back to sitting inside the snow globe of present-moment protection. The meek man that comes forth inside this snow globe is a patient and kind one who sees the TRUTH about life, instead of creating assumption-based mental movies concerning things he cannot control.
Student, you will always do better if you are a watcher of your thoughts. You see the thoughts, but you do not attach. This will take practice, but becoming meek and lowly in your approach to life is a journey worth pursuing. The hard moments of life won’t be that hard because you know that God has you right where He wants you. He’s got you participating in hard learning experiences inside the “great and spacious building” of pleasure—so that you can come out—come back over to His side—and be a positive influence in helping others who are in that same building to turn their will and life back over to the care of God.
You are showing that you CARE to change what’s going on in your life. The training, the prayer, the sunshine, the meetings, the therapy, and more—all show that you CARE. However, the next move to gaining TRUST is showing CONSISTENCY. You haven’t shown CONSISTENCY for a while, student. You can CARE all you want, but without CONSISTENCY, nothing will change in your life. It’s the CONSISTENCY that leads to COMPETENCY, and finally, people will begin to TRUST you once again.
Be the sponge, not the COACH. You are the MAN in the BACK who is now back to a level of learning. Your COMPETENT voice will have a chance to speak again, but not right now. Right now, you need to be the MEEK man who listens more than speaks. You show by your actions that you mean business, and then you listen and serve people. Remember, the MAN in the BACK is a disciple of God; we are charged with helping people to get free from the world’s grips so that they can gain a relationship with their HIGHER POWER.
Remember, the greatest HIGHS of all come inside the family and friend moments when you are sober, genuine, and helpful. Plan on some monotony, but there would be no reward if there wasn’t some monotonous struggle to work against. We grow inside of discomfort, and that’s the TRUTH, student. Why has God given us this free agency life if it all wasn’t a learning experience? It will be inside the shadows that you learn the most, but only if you make it out of the shadows with the help of God.
Your Truest Friend,
The Man in the Back
