The Memory

The Memory

The memory proves to be too powerful. The thought of that euphoric escape clouds all judgment, where all morale thinking leaves your mind. No matter how hard you have been working at living a Christ like life, the Dragon always intervenes. He uses your memory against you, where He'll provide vivid flashbacks of that once so euphoric state that you used to visit so frequently. He will cause your natural happiness flush to take place, making it so you are high even prior to the partaking of Amphetamine. You can see that Amphetamine is at your fingertips; therefore you create a scenario in your head that almost makes you feel like you've already obtained it.As the scenario continues to unfold in you mind, the more the happiness flush increases. You are, in a sense, already high from Amphetamine because in your mind you are going to take Amphetamine no matter what; therefore nothing is going to stop you; even embarrassment won't stop you. Your mind is made up, and the concept of that once memorable euphoria is back in your mind clearer than ever, and you can't wait to experience it once again.Once you get it, you feel regretful and even embarrassed about the run around and chase that took place to obtain it; but for whatever reason you cannot stop, and you won't stop. You have a routine planned out of how you're going to use Amphetamine; a very memorable routine; an old routine that you feel you've got to mimic, because after all - the Amphetamine routine is all part of your well thought out game plan. A game plan that has been engrained in your mind from past use, and has now returned,  and is methodically formulating in your mind once again.Once it's down the hatchet you cannot wait for it to kick in. When it first kicks in you want to be in the place that you had pictured in your mind so that you can enjoy that first twenty minutes of euphoria to the fullest. You want to feel productive, and organized. You maybe want to make a quick phone call and have a good positive conversation. You maybe want to talk with someone about something real, because you know that euphoric feeling will magnify your communication skills, allowing for the conversation to move in a magical direction.After the thirty minutes is up you know it's all down hill from there, unless of course - you can find some more, which you can't because of the awkward relationship you have since created and even damaged through the initial chase. So now you are constantly thinking what's next? But you know exactly what's next - "The Come Down."The come down starts to creep closer, and it starts to hurt. It hurts so bad in your mind that you are convinced that you need Opiate; and that only Opiate has the power to help you to stop hurting.The chase is now on for Opiate, and nothing's going to stop you from obtaining Him. Just as with the Amphetamine memory, the Opiate memory to cure the Amphetamine come down also becomes clear. You have used Opiate in the past to come down off of Amphetamine, and the memory of the help of Opiate is so powerful that all reason and logic leaves your thinking entirely. You will stop at nothing. You will fake a back injury and go to a Hospital; you will call your grand parents and parents with the same back excuse, hoping that they will have Opiate; hoping that they will enable Opiate. You will search all night long if you have to, because the Amphetamine comedown hurts that bad. All, would be embarrassing phone calls in search of Opiate aren't embarrassing phone calls at all during this stage, for nothing matters except getting relief from Amphetamine.Once the Opiate relief comes, then even Opiate isn't enough; you need more of Opiate, so the phone calls continue. When you can't get more of Opiate, you then think about Valium, and how it too might even provide more relief while coupled with Opiate.Your thinking is such that you don't think you can ever be happy again; the memory causing the happiness flush, and then the actual Amphetamine euphoria - took your thinking to levels that were so heightened, that they were unnatural; therefore the comedown was a natural disaster, where you intensely craved relief. Nothing has seemed to work; Opiate and Valium did a little, but now your thinking has turned towards regret. Now you want relief from regretful thinking. You reflect on the day’s relapse, and are now embarrassed and ashamed. You think of all the childish manipulation tactics you used, and can't help but be ashamed of your actions. You want to turn back to your spiritual ways, but you don't feel worthy to do so; however you do it anyway, in hopes of the Invisible Hand coming back to you. You pray with all your might for help in coming out of this hole you've dug yourself in. You pick up the scriptures and read, hoping to find a powerful concept that will provide you with some safety. You read, and pray into the early hours of the morning, before you finally feel a hint of light come back into your heart; however, now another memory from the Dragon is being forced into your mind - Pornography.-Hawk